Jokes! Post 'em here.

Two Goldfish in a tank.

One turns to the other and says

"How do you drive this thing?"

A visitor to a mental institution asked the director how it was decided which patients should be kept in and which were ready to be discharged.

The director said: ”Well, we fill up a bath, then offer the patient a teaspoon, a teacup or a bucket and ask them to empty the bathtub”.

The visitor said, “Oh, I see, and of course a normal person would chose the bucket because it’s the biggest”.

The director said: “No! A normal person would pull the plug out.”

A rope walks into a bar and tells the bartender, "I'd like a beer." The bartender says, "No way. We don't serve ropes in here." He walks outside and ties himself into a half-hitch and unravels some of his strands. Then, he goes back into the bar and orders a beer. The bartender looks at him suspiciously and says, "Hey! Aren't you that rope that was just in here?" "No," the rope replies, "I'm a frayed knot!"

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.
 
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father
died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.

One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
 
Her natural beauty took his breath away. 'I may look like just an ordinary
man,' he said to her, but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll
inherit £20 million.'
 
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three
days later, she became his stepmother.
 
Women are so much better at financial planning than men.

A guy goes into a restaurant/lounge wearing a shirt open at the collar and is met by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a necktie to gain admission. So the guy goes out to his car and he looks around for a necktie and discovers that he just doesn't have one. He sees a set of jumper cables in his trunk. In desperation he ties these around his neck, manages to fashion a fairly acceptable looking knot and lets the ends dangle free. He goes back to the restaurant and the bouncer carefully looks him over for a few minutes and then says, "Well, OK, I guess you can come in - just don't start anything."
:teeth:

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I think I've lost an electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first says, "Yes, I'm positive..."
:bouncy:

Two peanuts walked into a bar, and ... one was a-salted...

Knock Knock...

Who's there?

Atch

*palmface*
Alright....

Atch who?

*braces herself and reaches for a tissue*

Bless you!

be warned my kids have an endless fund of these things

Knock Knock

*sighs* Most kids do!

Who's there?

Boo

Boo who?

Lois Millard wrote:Boo who?

no need to get upset... its only a joke!

sorry!

IB

Frank was visiting Texas from the east coast:

Frank: “Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge on a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking for directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (native Texans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.”
Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili #1: Mike’s Maniac Monster Chili

Judge #1---A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge #2---Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge #3 (Frank)---Holy sunshine, what the hell is this stuff?! You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that’s the worst one. These Texans are crazy!

Chili #2: Arthur’s Afterburner Chili

Judge #1---Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge #2---Exciting BBQ flavor; needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge #3---Keep this out of the reach of children. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chili #3: Fred’s Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

Judge #1---Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge #2---A bean-less chili. A bit salty; great use of peppers.
Judge #3---Call the EPA: I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now: Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting sunshine-faced from all the beer.

Chili #4: Bubba’s Black Magic

Judge #1---Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge #2---Hint of lime in the back beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods; not much of a chili.
Judge #3---I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-pound chick is starting to look HOT…just like this nuclear waste I am eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?!


Chili #5: Linda’s Legal Lip Remover

Judge #1---Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge #2---Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge #3---My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off of my forehead, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I’m burring my lips off? I really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw these rednecks!

Chili #6: Vera’s Very Vegetarian Variety

Judge #1---Thin, yet bold vegetarian chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge #2---The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge #3---My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped myself when I farted, and I’m worried that it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can’t feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.

Chili #7: Susan’s Screaming Sensation Chili

Judge #1---A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge #2---Ho-hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollability.
Judge #3---You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is a mode of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of a lava-like sunshine to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing, it hurts too much. Screw it; I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili #8: Tommy’s Toe-Nail Curling Chili

Judge #1---The perfect ending. This is a nice blend of chili. Not too bold, but spicy enough to declare it’s existence.
Judge #2---The final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when judge #3 passed out, fell over, and pulled the chili pot down onto of himself. Poor guy, wonder how he’d have reacted to really HOT chili?

I forget where I picked this up, but it had me in a giggling fit and it's stuck in my head since!

"Trick or Treat!"
"Get offa my porch, this ain't America."
"Well now, there's nothing wrong with a bit of American culture ... "
"Alright then, get offa my porch or I shoot ya!"

INSTALLING A HUSBAND

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance -- particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed, Desperate

==================

Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.

Please enter the command: "http: I Thought You Loved Me.html" and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.

Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta. Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources).

Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.

We recommend Food 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck, Tech Support

MALE VS. FEMALE AT THE ATM MACHINE

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.'

*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.

*******************************

FEMALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

(P.S. I hope no one is offended by this joke, personally I don't take it seriously but I do find it hilarious!)