Jokes! Post 'em here.

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Re: Jokes! Post 'em here.

Post  Helping 'Arry on Fri Feb 12, 2010 10:55 am

What sort of cheese do you use to hide a horse?














mascarpone
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Re: Jokes! Post 'em here.

Post  Helping 'Arry on Fri Feb 12, 2010 10:56 am

What sort of cheese do you use to tempt a Grizzly out of hiding?






















camembert
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Re: Jokes! Post 'em here.

Post  Helping 'Arry on Fri Feb 12, 2010 10:57 am

What did the cheese say when it looked in the mirror?


















Haloumi
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Re: Jokes! Post 'em here.

Post  Helping 'Arry on Fri Feb 12, 2010 10:59 am

What sort of cheese would you have, if it wasn't your cheese?















Nacho cheese
(for those not familiar with the american favourite, say it fast, not-yo-cheese)
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Re: Jokes! Post 'em here.

Post  Aces fan on Sat Feb 13, 2010 8:44 am

I very rarely feel any shame based on my national origin. However the fact that Nacho "Cheese" is considered an American favorite fills me with sadness. No Sad Day!
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Re: Jokes! Post 'em here.

Post  Helping 'Arry on Sat Feb 13, 2010 9:12 am

Apologies, Aces, it's the only place I've had it, seen it served and mentioned in numerous american film and TV. If I'm wrong, feel free to ban me in the other thread!!!! Wink
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Re: Jokes! Post 'em here.

Post  Aces fan on Sun Feb 14, 2010 9:21 am

Not at all Helping 'Arry. Nacho "Cheese" is most definitely an American phenomenon. I would be lying if I said I had never enjoyed this "food". For me it's I bit of a guilty pleasure. I guess the secret is out, Americans love this terrible cheese food product. Oh well probably not the most embarrassing thing we'll do as a country. jocolor
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Re: Jokes! Post 'em here.

Post  Helping 'Arry on Sun Feb 14, 2010 2:44 pm

>Oh well probably not the most embarrassing thing we'll do as a country

No, you all asking if I'm Australian, when I'm there is slightly more embarrasing! Question
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Sorry about these ones!!

Post  Helping 'Arry on Mon Feb 15, 2010 9:55 am

Honestly some folk will take offence at anything; I met a bloke with no legs this morning while at the bus stop, all I asked was "how are you getting on?"

Paddy was in the delivery room when the midwife handed him a black baby "Is this yours?" she asked "probably" said Paddy "she burns everything else"


My missus has just gone into hospital with 2 black eyes and a broken jaw! It seems we were on different wavelengths when she said she wanted decking on the patio

Sex therapist claim that the most effective way to arouse your man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears!! Personally I think its bollocks!!

They reckon that Beer contains female hormones and I think they are right. After 8 pints I talk sunshine and can't drive!


Vicar booking into a hotel asks the receptionist "Is the Porn channel in my room disabled" "No" she replies "its just regular porn you sick bastard"

A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin, I said how can you tell them apart, he said "her brothers got a moustache!"

A biker goes to the Doctor with hearing problems "Can you describe the symptoms to me"
"Yes.....Homer is a fat yellow lazy bastard and Marge is a skinny bird with big blue hair!!"
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Re: Jokes! Post 'em here.

Post  Helping 'Arry on Mon Mar 01, 2010 8:23 am

Confucius say,

"If you are in a book store and cannot find

the book for which you search, you are obviously in the.....







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Re: Jokes! Post 'em here.

Post  Helping 'Arry on Fri Mar 05, 2010 5:55 am

What do the films, The Sixth Sense and Titanic have in common?





















Icy Dead People
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Re: Jokes! Post 'em here.

Post  Hatchet Man Jim on Fri Mar 05, 2010 4:07 pm

Man walks up to his wife carrying a chicken under his arm. He says, "See, this is the pig I was telling you about."

Wife says "That's not a pig, it's a chicken."

Man says "I wasn't talking to you!"
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Re: Jokes! Post 'em here.

Post  MattRUK on Thu Apr 15, 2010 2:26 pm

This fella is on safari in Africa when he comes across an elephant lying on the ground, in distress.
He investigates and finds a thorn in its foot.
He removes it, and the elephant trots merrily away.
Twenty years on, the man is standing in the street in London watching a circus procession pass by.
When the elephant gets level with him, it stops, looks straight at him, reaches out with its trunk, lifts him bodily into the air, smashes him on the ground and jumps on him.
It was a different elephant.
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Re: Jokes! Post 'em here.

Post  MattRUK on Thu Apr 15, 2010 2:26 pm

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
"My dog's crosseyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's crosseyed? "
"No, because he's really heavy"
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Re: Jokes! Post 'em here.

Post  Egide Broussard on Thu Jun 03, 2010 8:33 pm

I should probably get slapped for these, but eh. Heard the recently and couldn't pass up the opportunity to share...


If a woman asks you what time it is, what do you say?
There's a clock on the stove so get back in the kitchen!

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing, you already told her twice, and she obviously isn't listening!

And finally:
Subway, where the women will make you a sandwich without complaining!(American submarine sandwich shop, for those who don't know)



I feel bad for giggling at these...I'm sorry.
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Re: Jokes! Post 'em here.

Post  Idiot.Bot on Tue Jun 08, 2010 12:57 pm

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Don't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! God loves drunk people too.

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing set," replied the drunk.

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Re: Jokes! Post 'em here.

Post  Idiot.Bot on Wed Aug 04, 2010 5:08 am

What kind of Bees give milk? pig

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Re: Jokes! Post 'em here.

Post  Lois Millard on Wed Aug 04, 2010 6:23 am

Um... don't know.

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Re: Jokes! Post 'em here.

Post  Idiot.Bot on Wed Aug 04, 2010 9:00 am

BOOBIES !

(sorry lois please don't hurt me!)

IB pig

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Re: Jokes! Post 'em here.

Post  Lois Millard on Wed Aug 04, 2010 9:28 am

*facepalms*

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Re: Jokes! Post 'em here.

Post  Egide Broussard on Wed Aug 04, 2010 9:47 am

That.....was.....wow....just, wow......
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Re: Jokes! Post 'em here.

Post  Helping 'Arry on Wed Aug 04, 2010 9:50 am

What's the difference between Futurama and Twilight?















Futurama only has one Bender in it
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Re: Jokes! Post 'em here.

Post  Egide Broussard on Wed Aug 04, 2010 9:51 am

One is more widely accepted as being "Cool", while still being stupid? -Ducks gunshots-
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Re: Jokes! Post 'em here.

Post  MattRUK on Thu Aug 19, 2010 4:46 pm

Hmmm, the twilight saga. The everyday saga of a teenage girl torn between the choice of necrophilia and bestiality...

Futurama each and every time! Bite my shiny metal ass!
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Re: Jokes! Post 'em here.

Post  MattRUK on Thu Aug 19, 2010 4:55 pm

(TRUE STORY)

I was the grand national (big horse race meet here in England) and got a little drunk...

There was a girl in our party with massive boobies. Rather stupidly I bumbled over and bet her a quid (1) I could make them shake without touching them. I stared at them and raised my hands.

After a few "woos" and shaking of the hands I grabbed them and wobbled them. I looked her in the eye and said "I owe you a quid".

Like most of my stories involving drink, I am not proud of this...
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