Jokes! Post 'em here.

lol, gonna try that!

ok i will write political jokes
Ok let's start about my ideology
Three workers find themselves locked up, and they ask each other what they’re in for. The first man says: “I was always ten minutes late to work, so I was accused of sabotage.” The second man says: “I was always ten minutes early to work, so I was accused of espionage.” The third man says: “I always got to work on time, so I was accused of having a Western watch.”

An old man is dying in his hovel on the steppes. There is a menacing banging on the door. ‘Whose there?’ the old man asks. ‘Death ‘comes the reply. ‘Thank God for that,’ he says, ‘I thought it was the KGB.’ A KGB officer is walking in the park and he sees and old Jewish man reading a book. The KGB says "What are you reading old man?" The old man says "I am trying to teach myself Hebrew." KGB says "Why are you trying to learn Hebrew? It takes years to get a visa for Israel. You would die before the paperwork got done." "I am learning Hebrew so that when I die and go to Heaven I will be able to speak to Abraham and Moses. Hebrew is the language they speak in Heaven." the old man replies. "But what if when you die you go to Hell?" asks KGB. And the old man replies, "Russian, I already know."

Q. "Why do the KGB operate in groups of three?" A. "One can read, one can write and one to keep an eye on the two intellectuals."

Why do ex-Stasi officers make the best Berlin taxi drivers? Because you only need to tell them your name and they'll already know where you live!



A New Joke

Krushchev was furious with the joke tellers: 'It is a disgrace! Jokes and then more jokes! Who makes them up? Bring me just one joke writer!'

They bring a joke writer to him. The joke writer pauses in the doorway of Krushchev's home and looks around.

'What are you looking for?' Krushchev asks him.

'I'm just looking. I see you don't live too badly.'

'Well what of it? In twenty years we will have Communism and everybody will live like this!' says Krushchev.

'Oh-h-h!' the joke writer exclaims joyously. 'A new joke!'

A new Soviet initiative on disarmament...

A provincial is combing Moscow for a sewing machine. He tries shop after shop � no luck. At last he comes to one where the salesgirl says: 'Are you crazy? A sewing machine in Moscow? You'd have a much better chance of finding one in Tula, they make them there.'

'But I come from Tula. There aren't any sewing machines in the shops there.'

'Well, then, go to the factory which makes them and get one there.'

'But I work in the factory.'

"Then knock off the spare parts and put them together at home.'

'I've tried that three times already.'

'So, what happened?

Didn't you know how?'

'Of course I knew how to put them together. But every time I did it I got a machine gun.'

What's the difference between a misfortune and a disaster?

A great difference.

For example, a goat is walking across a bridge, loses its footing and falls into the river. That's a misfortune but not a disaster.

But if an aeroplane carrying the whole of the government crashes and everybody is killed, that's a disaster but no misfortune.

Ah...I know the KGB, the Stasi and the Russians...

A man is brought into the local KGB headquarters and placed in a chair.
He looks at the KGB men and says "Why am I here? Am I a suspect?"
One of the KGB men shakes his head and replies, "No you are guilty. Everyone outside this building is a suspect."

(I should do Irish jokes, since I know them even better than the Russians, being an American of Irish descent)

Stalin was dead.

The Soviet nation decided to get rid of him once and for all and bury him as far away as possible. They set up a special commission.

The commission turned to the British government with the request that they make available a plot in a British cemetery.

'Well,' replies the British government, 'we do already have Karl Marx in England . . . Two such great masters in the one cemetery . . . That would be overdoing it a bit. . .'

So they tried the Germans.

'Well, we would bury him here,' reply the Germans, 'but Hitler is already buried here. Two such great tyrants in the one country . . .'

Suddenly there arrived a telegram from Tel Aviv: 'In view of the fact that Stalin did not block the creation of the state of Israel, we agree to bury him here.'

'No way,' said the members of the commission in sudden panic.

'No way. After all they had a resurrection there . . .'

Why were you shouting?

In Stalinist Moscow a man is running along the street shouting: 'The whole world is suffering because of one man! One man!'

He is seized and dispatched to the KGB.

There, he is taken to the interrogator's room.

'What were you shouting in the streets?' asks the interrogator.

'I was shouting that the whole world suffers because of one man.'

'And who did you have in mind?' The interrogator's eyes narrow.

'What do you mean, who?' The man is astonished. 'Hitler, naturally.'

'Ah-h-h...' smiles the interrogator. 'In that case you are free to leave.'

The man walks the length of the room, reaches the door, opens it and suddenly stops and turns around to face the interrogator.

'Excuse me, but who did you have in mind?'

Ivanov applied to the Communist Party. The party committee conducts an interview.

"Comrade Ivanov, do you smoke?"

"Yes, I do a little."

"Do you know that comrade Lenin did not smoke and advised other communists not to smoke?"

"If comrade Lenin said so, I shall cease smoking."

"Do you drink?"

"Yes, a little."

"Comrade Lenin strongly condemned drunkenness."

"Then I shall cease drinking."

"Comrade Ivanov, what about women?"

"A little...."

"Do you know that comrade Lenin strongly condemned amoral behavior?"

"If comrade Lenin condemned, I shall not love them any longer."

"Comrade Ivanov, will you be ready to sacrifice your life for the Party?"

"Of course. Who needs such life?"

Seven paradoxes of the socialist state:

Nobody works, but the plan is always fulfilled. The plan is fulfilled, but the shelves in the stores are empty. The shelves are empty, but nobody starves; nobody starves, but everybody is unhappy; everybody is unhappy, but nobody complains; nobody complains, but the jails are full.

Sorry if you guys dont get this one.
But I love it.

A Marine dies in combat and wakes up to find he is in hell. He's really depressed as he stands in the processing line waiting to talk to an admittance counselor. He thinks to himself I know I lead a wild life but, Hell, I'm a Marine. We're expected to live wild lives. I wasn't that bad. I never thought it would come to this. "
Looking up he sees that it is his turn to be processed into hell. With fear and heavy heart, he walks up to the counselor.

Counselor: What's the problem, you look depressed?

Marine: Well, what do you think? I'm in hell.

Counselor: Hell's not so bad, We actually have a lot of fun. Do you like to drink?

Marine: Of course I do. I'm a Marine.

Counselor: Well then, you are going to love Mondays, On Mondays we drink up a storm. You can have whiskey, rum, tequila, beer, whatever you want and as much you want. We party all night long. You'll love Mondays. Do you smoke?

Marine: Yes, as a matter of fact I do.

Counselor: You are going to love Tuesdays. Tuesday is smoke day. You get to smoke the finest cigars and best cigarettes available anywhere. And you smoke to your heart's desire without worrying about cancer because you are already dead! Is that great or what? You are going to love Tuesdays.

Do you like to fight?

Marine: Of course I do. I'm a Marine!

Counselor: You are going to love Wednesdays. That's Fighting Day. We challenge each other to fights to see who's the toughest in Hell. You don't have to worry about getting hurt or killed, because you're already dead.You are going to love Wednesdays. Do you gamble?

Marine: Show me a Marine who doesn't!

Counselor: You are going to love Thursdays, Because we gamble all day and night. Black jack, craps, poker, slots, horse races, everything! you are going to love Thursdays. Are you gay?

Marine: Of course, not! I'm a Marine!

Counselor: Oh (grimaces) , you're going to hate Fridays.

A group of 15 year old girlfriends discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Dairy Queen next to the Ocean View restaurant because they each only had $2.00 and Jim, that cute boy in Social Studies, lives on that street and they might see him as they ride their bikes there.

10 years later, the group of 25 year old girlfriends discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the beer was cheap, they had snacks, the band was good, there was no cover charge and there were lots of cute guys.

10 years later, at 35 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because it was right near the gym and if they go late enough, there wouldn’t be too many whiny little kids.

10 years later, the 45 year old group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the martinis were big and the waiters there had tight pants and nice buns.

10 years later, the 55 year olds discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed upon to meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food was reasonable, the wine list was good, they had windows that open in case of a hot flash, and fish is good for your cholesterol.

10 years later, at 65 years of age, the group once again discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the lighting was good and they had an early bird special.

10 years later, the 75 year old group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food wasn’t too spicy, the restaurant was handicapped accessible and they even had an elevator !

10 years later, at 85 years of age, the group once again discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed upon to meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been there before.

I'd appreciate use of word disabled instead of handicapped mmmmmkkkkkaaaaayyyyyyyyyy

And less of the homophobic marine slurring mmmmmkkkkkaaaaayyyyyyyyyy

And the anti-communism is a bit mcarthy-fied
Mmmmmkkkkkaaaaayyyyyyyyyy

And let's not be sexist! The split-arses have feelings too!
Mmmmmkkkkkaaaaayyyyyyyyyy?

I love this one yet hate it at the same time.

Tell this joke to someone who is not a Marine:
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a U.S. Marine Corps base. He goes to the front gate, and says to the sentry, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"

To his surprise, the Marines accept him enthusiastically. They feed him at the officer's club, they fix his car at the motor pool, and they even allow him to sleep in the VIP quarters.

But, as the man tries to fall asleep that night, he hears a strange sound. All through the night, he hears this sound.

The next morning, he asks the Marines what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a Marine."

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.

Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same Marine Corps base. Again the Marines accept him enthusiastically, fix his car, and allows him to stay in the VIP quarters. That night, he hears the exact same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.

The next morning, he asks what it is, but the Marines reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a Marine."

The man says, "All right, all right. I'm *dying* to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a Marine, how do I become one?"

The Marines reply, "You must go to Paris Island, there to undergo several weeks of torturous behavior. You will be yelled at, put down, cut down, and physically exhausted. From there you will go on to receive infantry training. You will learn how to fight, fight to survive, and fight to win. You will learn how to act the Corps, breath the Corps, eat the Corps, sleep the Corps, be the Corps. When you finish these trials, you will be a Marine."

The man sets about his task. He goes through boot camp, advanced infantry training, and is assigned to an MEU. While part of the MEU he is sent to fight in two small wars, and three "police actions."

Three years later, while on leave, he returns to the Marine Corps base where he last heard that strange, strange sound. Standing there in his dress uniform, he says, "I have joined the Corps, and I have paid my dues. I have fought for the love of God, Country, and the Corps.

The Marines reply, "Congratulations. You are now a Marine. We shall now show you the way to the sound."

The Marines lead the man to a wooden door, where the Base Commander says, "The sound is right behind that door."

The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, "Real funny. may I have the key?"

The Base Commander give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man demands the key to the stone door.

The Commander give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the Commander, who provides it. Behind that door is *another* door, this one made of sapphire. So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, amethyst...

Finally, the Commander says, "This is the last key to the last door."

The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.

But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a Marine.

What's the difference between Father Christmas and Nick Clegg?

I was 25 when I stopped believing in Nick Clegg.

Son: "Daddy, I have to write a special report for school, but I don't know what Politics is."

Father: "Well, let's take our home as an example. I am the bread-winner, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mum is the administrator of money, so we'll call her Government. We take care of your need, so let's call you The People. We'll call the maid the Working Class and your brother we can call The Future. Do you understand son?"

Son: "I'm not really sure, Dad. I'll have to think about it."

That night awakened by his brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parents' room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid's room, where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep.

The next morning he reported to his father.

Son: "Dad, now I think I understand what Politics is."

Father: "Good son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?"

Son: "Well Dad, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, Government is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and the Future is full of sunshine."

Jesus saw a crowd chasing down a woman to stone her and approached them. "What's going on here, anyway?" he asked.

"This woman was found committing adultery, and the law says we should stone her!" one of the crowd responded.

"Wait," yelled Jesus. "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone."

Suddenly, a stone was thrown from out of the sky, and knocked the woman on the side of her head.

"Aw, c'mon, Dad..." Jesus cried, "I'm trying to make a point here!"

An engineer died and reported to the pearly gates. An intern angel, filling in for St. Peter, checked his dossier and grimly said, "Ah, you're an engineer; you're in the wrong place."

So the engineer was cast down to the gates of hell and was let in. Pretty soon, the engineer became gravely dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and began designing and building improvements. After a while, the underworld had air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators, and the engineer was becoming a pretty popular guy among the demons.

One day, God called Satan up on the telephone and asked with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan laughed and replied, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God's face clouded over and he exploded, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake; he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan shook his head, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God was as mad as he had ever been, "This is not the way things are supposed to work and you know it. Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughed uproariously, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

An Italian man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden he said out loud, "Lord, grant me one wish."

Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have had the faith to ask, I will grant you one wish." The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I want to."

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me."

The Italian man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I have been married and divorced four times. All of my wives said that I am uncaring and insensitive. I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say "nothing" and how I can make a woman truly happy?"

After a few minutes God said, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

In the beginning, God created heaven and earth.

Shortly thereafter God was in receipt of a notice to show cause why he shouldn't be cited for failure to file an environmental impact statement. He was granted a temporary planning permit for the project, but was stymied by a Cease and Desist Order for the earthly part.

At the hearing, God was asked why he began his earthly project in the first place. He replied that he just liked to be creative.

Then God said, "Let there be light."

Officials immediately demanded to know how the light would be made. Would it require strip mining? What about thermal pollution?

God explained that the light would come from a huge ball of fire, and provisional approval was granted with the proviso that no smoke would result.

The authorities demanded the issuance of a building permit, and (to conserve energy) required that the light be left off half the time. God agreed, saying he would call the light "Day" and the darkness "Night." Officials replied that they were only interested in protecting the environment, not in semantics.

God said, "Let the earth bring forth green herb and such as many seed."

The EPA agreed, so long as only native seed was used.

Then God said, "Let waters bring forth creeping creatures having life; and the fowl that may fly over the earth."

Officials pointed out this would require approval from the Department of Game coordinated with the Heavenly Wildlife Federation and the Audubongelic Society.

Everything went along smoothly until God declared that he intended to complete the project in six days.

Officials informed God it would take at least 200 days to review his many waiver applications and environmental impact statements. After that there would have to be a public hearing, and then there would be a 10-12 month probationary period before....

At this point, God created Hell.

Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging of how great their fathers are.

The first one says:"Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow, and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow".

The second one says:"Ha! You think that's fast! My father is a hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet".

The third one listens to the other two and shakes his head. He then says:"You two know nothing about fast. My father is a civil servant. He stops working at 4:30 and he is home by 3:45!!"

The four scariest phrases ever heard in the military:

The E-1 who says, "I learned this in Basic Training..."

The O-1 who says, "Based on my experience..."

The E-5 who says, "Trust me, Sir..."

The E-9 who chuckles, "Watch THIS sh*t..."


Even more scary:


A Pfc with a badge.

A 2nd lieutenent with a map.

Why Did the Chicken cross the Road?

Coalition Provisional Authority: The fact that the Iraqi chicken crossed the road affirmatively demonstrates that decision-making authority has been transferred to the chicken well in advance of the scheduled June 30th transition of power. From now on the chicken is responsible for its own decisions.

Halliburton: We were asked to help the chicken cross the road. Given the inherent risk of road crossing and the rarity of chickens, this operation will only cost the US government $326,004.

Muqtada al-Sadr: The chicken was a tool of the evil Coalition and will be killed.

US Army Military Police: We were directed to prepare the chicken to cross the road. As part of these preparations, individual soldiers ran over the chicken repeatedly and then plucked the chicken. We deeply regret the occurrence of any chicken rights violations.

Peshmerga: The chicken crossed the road, and will continue to cross the road, to show its independence and to transport the weapons it needs to defend itself. However, in future, to avoid problems, the chicken will be called a duck, and will wear a plastic bill.

1st Cav: The chicken was not authorized to cross the road without displaying two forms of picture identification. Thus, the chicken was appropriately detained and searched in accordance with current SOP?s. We apologize for any embarrassment to the chicken. As a result of this unfortunate incident, the command has instituted a gender sensitivity training program and all future chicken searches will be conducted by female soldiers.

Al Jazeera: The chicken was forced to cross the road multiple times at gunpoint by a large group of occupation soldiers, according to eye-witnesses. The chicken was then fired upon intentionally, in yet another example of the abuse of innocent Iraqi chickens.

Blackwater: We cannot confirm any involvement in the chicken-road-crossing incident.

Translators: Chicken he cross street because bad she tangle regulation. Future chicken table against my request.

U.S. Marine Corps: The chicken is dead.

Navy: The chicken upon crossing the road was painted and lashed to the curb.

Kerry: "The chicken crossed the road before it did not"

Baghdad Bob: The chicken never crossed the road! He is safe in Baghdad, miles from the marauding vehicles of the infidel! THERE IS NO ROAD!

USAF: "As you can see here in the target video, the bomb was locked onto the chicken...and there it goes...the chicken is still moving...still moving...and unfortunately passed out of the parameters of the guidance system so that the bomb completely missed it and hit the weasel instead. Gotta admit thought, it's impressive footage..."

A young, ruthless executive died and went to hell. When he got there, he saw one sign that said Capitalist Hell, and another that said Socialist Hell.

In front of the Socialist Hell was an incredibly long line, while there was no-one in front of the Capitalist Hell. So the executive asked the guard,' 'What happens when you enter the Socialist Hell?''

''They boil you in oil, whip you, and then put you on the rack,'' the guard replied.

''And what happens in the Capitalist Hell?''

''The same exact thing,'' the guard answered.

''Then why is everybody line's for the Socialist Hell?''

''Because in the Socialist Hell, they're always out of oil, whips, and racks!''