Jokes! Post 'em here.

Two Goldfish in a tank.

One turns to the other and says

"How do you drive this thing?"

A visitor to a mental institution asked the director how it was decided which patients should be kept in and which were ready to be discharged.

The director said: ”Well, we fill up a bath, then offer the patient a teaspoon, a teacup or a bucket and ask them to empty the bathtub”.

The visitor said, “Oh, I see, and of course a normal person would chose the bucket because it’s the biggest”.

The director said: “No! A normal person would pull the plug out.”

A rope walks into a bar and tells the bartender, "I'd like a beer." The bartender says, "No way. We don't serve ropes in here." He walks outside and ties himself into a half-hitch and unravels some of his strands. Then, he goes back into the bar and orders a beer. The bartender looks at him suspiciously and says, "Hey! Aren't you that rope that was just in here?" "No," the rope replies, "I'm a frayed knot!"

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.
 
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father
died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.

One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
 
Her natural beauty took his breath away. 'I may look like just an ordinary
man,' he said to her, but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll
inherit £20 million.'
 
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three
days later, she became his stepmother.
 
Women are so much better at financial planning than men.

A guy goes into a restaurant/lounge wearing a shirt open at the collar and is met by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a necktie to gain admission. So the guy goes out to his car and he looks around for a necktie and discovers that he just doesn't have one. He sees a set of jumper cables in his trunk. In desperation he ties these around his neck, manages to fashion a fairly acceptable looking knot and lets the ends dangle free. He goes back to the restaurant and the bouncer carefully looks him over for a few minutes and then says, "Well, OK, I guess you can come in - just don't start anything."
:teeth:

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I think I've lost an electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first says, "Yes, I'm positive..."
:bouncy:

Two peanuts walked into a bar, and ... one was a-salted...

Knock Knock...

Who's there?

Atch

*palmface*
Alright....

Atch who?

*braces herself and reaches for a tissue*

Bless you!

be warned my kids have an endless fund of these things

Knock Knock

*sighs* Most kids do!

Who's there?

Boo

Boo who?

Lois Millard wrote:Boo who?

no need to get upset... its only a joke!

sorry!

IB

Frank was visiting Texas from the east coast:

Frank: “Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge on a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking for directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (native Texans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.”
Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili #1: Mike’s Maniac Monster Chili

Judge #1---A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge #2---Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge #3 (Frank)---Holy sunshine, what the hell is this stuff?! You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that’s the worst one. These Texans are crazy!

Chili #2: Arthur’s Afterburner Chili

Judge #1---Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge #2---Exciting BBQ flavor; needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge #3---Keep this out of the reach of children. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chili #3: Fred’s Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

Judge #1---Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge #2---A bean-less chili. A bit salty; great use of peppers.
Judge #3---Call the EPA: I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now: Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting sunshine-faced from all the beer.

Chili #4: Bubba’s Black Magic

Judge #1---Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge #2---Hint of lime in the back beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods; not much of a chili.
Judge #3---I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-pound chick is starting to look HOT…just like this nuclear waste I am eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?!


Chili #5: Linda’s Legal Lip Remover

Judge #1---Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge #2---Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge #3---My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off of my forehead, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I’m burring my lips off? I really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw these rednecks!

Chili #6: Vera’s Very Vegetarian Variety

Judge #1---Thin, yet bold vegetarian chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge #2---The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge #3---My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped myself when I farted, and I’m worried that it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can’t feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.

Chili #7: Susan’s Screaming Sensation Chili

Judge #1---A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge #2---Ho-hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollability.
Judge #3---You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is a mode of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of a lava-like sunshine to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing, it hurts too much. Screw it; I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili #8: Tommy’s Toe-Nail Curling Chili

Judge #1---The perfect ending. This is a nice blend of chili. Not too bold, but spicy enough to declare it’s existence.
Judge #2---The final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when judge #3 passed out, fell over, and pulled the chili pot down onto of himself. Poor guy, wonder how he’d have reacted to really HOT chili?

I forget where I picked this up, but it had me in a giggling fit and it's stuck in my head since!

"Trick or Treat!"
"Get offa my porch, this ain't America."
"Well now, there's nothing wrong with a bit of American culture ... "
"Alright then, get offa my porch or I shoot ya!"

INSTALLING A HUSBAND

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance -- particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed, Desperate

==================

Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.

Please enter the command: "http: I Thought You Loved Me.html" and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.

Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta. Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources).

Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.

We recommend Food 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck, Tech Support

MALE VS. FEMALE AT THE ATM MACHINE

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.'

*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.

*******************************

FEMALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

(P.S. I hope no one is offended by this joke, personally I don't take it seriously but I do find it hilarious!)

How to Shower Like a Woman / Man (might be offensive, PG-13?)

*HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN:*

* Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
* Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
* Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
* Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah, and pumice stone.
* Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
* Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
* Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.
* Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
* Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
* Rinse conditioner off hair.
* Shave armpits and legs.
* Turn off shower.
* Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
* Spray mold spots with Tilex.
* Get out of shower.
* Dry with towel the size of a small country.
* Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
* Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
* If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.


*HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN*:

* Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
* Walk naked to the bathroom.
* If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the woo-woo sound.
* Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
* Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your ass.
* Get in the shower.
* Wash your face.
* Wash your armpits.
* Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
* Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
* Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
* Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
* Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
* Pee.
* Rinse off and get out of shower.
* Partially dry off.
* Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.
* Admire wiener size in mirror again.
* Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
* Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the woo-woo sound again.
* Throw wet towel on bed.

Mom Job Description

POSITION: Mother, Mom, Mama

JOB DESCRIPTION: Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an, often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.

RESPONSIBILITIES: The rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks.. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices. Must assume complete accountability for the quality of the end product. Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION: Virtually none. Your job is to
remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE: None required unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION: Get this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only
do more.

BENEFITS: While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life if you play your cards right.

Sunday School

PILLAR OF SALT
The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted, "My Mommy looked back once while she was driving," he announced triumphantly, "and she turned into a telephone pole!"

GOOD SAMARITAN:
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan. She asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?"
A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw up."

DID NOAH FISH?
A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?"
"No," replied Johnny. "How could he, with just two worms."

HIGHER POWER:
A Sunday school teacher said to her children, "We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a Higher Power. Can anybody tell me what it is?"
One child blurted out, "Aces!"

MOSES AND THE RED SEA :
Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday School.
"Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt . When he got to the Red Sea , he had his army build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then he radioed headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved."
"Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked.
"Well, no, Mom. But, if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"

THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD:
A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible - Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the chapter. Little Rick was excited about the task - but he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line. On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know."

UNANSWERED PRAYER?
The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why.
"Well, Honey," he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages. "I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon."
"How come He doesn't do it?" she asked.

BEING THANKFUL
A Rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, "So your mother says your prayers for you each night? That's very commendable. What does she say?"
The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!"

UNTIMELY ANSWERED PRAYER
During the minister's prayer one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from one of the back pews. Tommy's mother was horrified. She pinched him into silence and, after church, asked, "Tommy, whatever made you do such a thing?"
Tommy answered, soberly, "I asked God to teach me to whistle, and He did just then!"

TIME TO PRAY
A pastor asked a little boy if he said his prayers every night.
"Yes, sir," the boy replied.
"And, do you always say them in the morning, too?" the pastor asked.
"No sir,' the boy replied. "I ain't scared in the daytime."

All MEN / All GIRLS ?
When my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers, she would bless every family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past).
For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say, "And all girls." As this soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this at the end, my curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, "Kelli, why do you always add the part about all girls?"
Her response, "Because we always finish our prayers by saying "All Men"!

SAY A PRAYER
Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away. "Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer." said his mother.
"I don't have to," The boy replied.
"Of course, you do," his mother insisted. "We say a prayer before eating, at our house."
"That's our house," Johnny explained. "But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook!"

Children Writing About The Sea........


1) This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)

2) Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6)

3) If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island . If you don't have sea all round you, you are incontinent. ( Wayne age 7)

4) Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson . She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)

5) A dolphin breaths through an arsehole on the top of its head. (Billy age 8 )

6) My dad goes out in his boat, and comes back with crabs. (Emily Burniston age 6)

7) When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross The ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans. (William age 7)

8 ) I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 6)

9) I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is Always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mum, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy age 6)

10) Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)

11) When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin age 6)

12) Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two Divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky age 8 )

13) On holiday my Mum went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water shot up her fanny. (Julie age 7)

IB

What's red and invisible?


No Tomatoes!
--------------------

What do you call a fish with no eyes?


A fsh!
---------------------

What did the fish say when he swam in a wall?


Dam!
---------------------